Life, or Why Im Afraid Of It

Life, or Why I’m Afraid Of It Hey there. I know youve all missed my gorgeous face. (From my 4.341 project last fall.) All right, maybe gorgeous is a bit of a stretch. Ive been floating around this school for the last couple of months doing student-type things (going to classes, sleeping very little, forgetting to wipe the crusted drool off my face before going to classes) and doing me-type things (takin the pictures, rockin the radio, fallin down surprisingly few flights of stairs) you know, the usual. Id say youve been missing out, but Im really not interesting enough for anyone to miss out on my daily nonantics. Speaking of boring, I had a four-hour shift at Senior Haus Desk yesterday afternoon. (I kid, I kid. I love Senior Haus. I couldnt imagine living anywhere else.) This stretch of time is perfect for when I need to get a solid amount of work done, even though it usually turns into a marathon Futurama-watching session. Im using my IAP time to catch up on my nonrequired reading. Todays read was One Day, All Children, by Wendy Kopp, the founder of Teach for America. The book goes through the process of developing the program, building and expanding it, and how to work in schools across America to change how children learn. I applied to Teach for America in October, and I received the book as a gift from MITs TfA recruitment director after I made it to the final interview round. I find out whether or not Ive been accepted on Thursday, and the rest of my life is mostly on hold until then. Hanna and Liz (both 10s) want to know if I still want to live with them next year, but apartment-hunting is contingent upon my being in the Boston area after June. I dont know where Ill be living. I dont know what Ill be doing. I hate answering questions from my friends and family about this. Let me pass on that message to all friends and relatives of current college seniors: We hate it when you ask us about these things. This is really not the best way to go about planning for the future. I have, however, pre-registered for the spring semester, which is really as far ahead as Im comfortable thinking about right now. (Dont be surprised. I just said Im afraid of life way up at the top of this post.) Anyway, a long-ish time ago in a land far-ish away, I went to high school in a low-income area of Fort Lauderdale with a magnet program, and the extreme disparity between the quality of education in the magnet and the mainstream classes was one of the more disturbing things Ive experienced. My AP Physics class shared a classroom with a remedial reading class; the reading class had the room for the period before AP Physics, and the materials left in the classroom and written on the board revealed that the teacher could barely spell basic words correctly. In some of the larger, more basic math classes, students who could have done well in a more challenging course were barely noticed while the teachers tried to work with students who were even farther behind. Ive had a multitude of amazing opportunities at MIT, and Ive heard from a person or two that this college aint half bad. (Am I right?) But every time I think about the last four years, I also think about how the people I knew (and the thousands more I dont know) who had the potential to have their own college experience but werent able to overcome the odds against them, and thats really not acceptable. I want to see students succeed even after years of being told that they cant, and I want to help make that happen. Sure, thats idealistic, but that doesnt mean its not possible. Heres the thing, though: Im scared. Im terrified that Ill fail. Ive tried to do things and failed at them before take, for example, everything related to 18.02 ever but if I fail at something like this, Im not the only one who has to deal with the consequences. That feeling of responsibility for someone elses future only makes everything even more terrifying. And if this doesnt work out, then what happens? This is something I care about a lot and really want to do with my life, and when I try to think of my future in a way that doesnt involve teaching, its one scary-looking blank. I am (understandably?) a little jealous when I think about my friends who know what they want to do with their lives and are already doing it, as opposed to sitting around in the overly neurotic state of limbo that has been my last two months. I realize that I havent written about any of this yet; my last post is from the day before I submitted my Teach for America application. TfA isnt the only path towards becoming a teacher, but its a program that shares many of the same ideas and ambitions that I have. Im worried that I wont be accepted, and Ive been afraid of putting myself out there on the blogs because of the possible letdown. Thats not fair to all of you for quite a few reasons, one of which is summed up in some faux-sage advice in the wrapper of a Dove chocolate I ate a few months ago: At the time, I thought the answer was bacon. (Im only half-joking.) But its not. Its really not. (That said, bacons still absolutely delicious.)